Not for the Weak of Heart (or Funny Bone)

(Originally posted on Myspace 7/3/2008)

Oh my lorna! I was packing to move and I just found a page of quotes from our old quote board at Whitopia! It's hysterical! I felt the need to share. If you're easily offended or at all wholesome, maybe you should not read this... Also if you're opposed to sacrilege, statements about sex, or anything else that starts with an "s", turn back now.
Oh, and these are all taken completely out of context... which if you ask me, makes them even better!



"You'll feel bein' pretty good by then!" -Ember (my sister, while visiting)


"I've never been in love, but I have stepped in it." -Rachel


"Thanks for worrying about my package." -Whitney B.


"Okay, I'm not a tap dancer, I'm a liar!" -Whitney H.


"She rubbed her butt all over my naked sack!" -Cord


"The most horrifying musical number EVER!" -Rachel


"What is a 'plan'?" -Rachel


"Hey, this is nasty, what's going on in the sink--I'll be honest." -Suzanne


"Oh my goodness, your mouth is huge, isn't it? You could fit five people in there! Now remember, I said five people, not five men..." -Dr. St. Pierre


"Chili Chicken Fartless..." -Suzanne


"All I hear is 'G-strings' and 'am I hurting your body?' 'No, only my chest'." -Jess, Rachel, and Liz (I'm pretty sure one of us said this after hearing a conversation between the other two...)


"That has to be a huge puke to be in you nose!" -Rachel


"Let's invite Dr. St. Pierre to our sad party! She'd be the life of it!" -anonymous...


"Nobody wants to kiss a guy with Rachel-hair." -Whitney B.


"It's asexual, like me." -Chelsea


"Ghetty Bootoe." -Suzanne


"Wasn't there a lion in the nativity?" -Dr. St. Pierre


"Hey, gym boy, how was the gym?" ... "...Tim?" -Whitney H. and Matt


"Do you care if I eat your food? Anybody can eat." -Suzanne


"It's like finding Jesus in your birthday cake!" -Dr. St. Pierre


"I wasn't sure if it was brass; I though maybe it was, like, metal!" -Whitney H. (referring to a Horn in F)


"It doesn't have the beautiful VIBRATIONS of the viola." -Dr. Stitt


"I dang sure am!" -Cord


"My butt is exit only, thank you!" -Rachel


"That's a nice body, Rachel. I'd pay about $800 for that body." -Dr. St. Pierre


"You could make fudgy fuddy frosting out of it!" -Rachel


"Ugly arm skin..." -Sophia (with accompanying dance)


"It wudn't." -Whitney B.


"Chair-you-bim." -Modesitt


"It smelled like... rotten cheese dust... uh huh huh... I'm serious!" -Rachel


"We'll bring some T.P. if we have to." -John Huston


"I'm not gonna give you five dollars for drinking some grease!" -Suzanne


"I would listen to some sex and then visit some boys!" -Rachel (paraphrasing Suzanne's Oregon story)


"I don't want to hear about your naked sack anymore!" ... "I'm sorry! It's HUGE!!!" -Suzanne and Cord


"It's okay, I didn't put my mouth on here." -Matt


"I would pay money for sex... Uh..." -Rachel


"Mmm... cheesy jamba chicken." -Whitney H.


"Sugar, water, and purple..." -J.P. quoting Dave Chapelle (all day, every day)


"Do big peaches make you laugh?" -Matt to Whitney H.


"I asked the prophet. I asked old Gordo." -J.P.


"You can tell me anything that bugs me about you." -Suzanne

I Think I Peed a Little

(Originally posted on Myspace 11/16/2007)

Okay so tonight I had the scare of my life! We were doing the Wizard of Oz and a set of stairs fell on one of my students while we were moving scenery...

Could I be more scared!? I freaked out and lifted the stairs off him by myself (and usually it takes three or four guys to move the staircase...)... I was sure he was going to be dead. Seeing him laying there and not moving was possibly the most frightening and sickening moment of my entire life. When he started to move, I was so relieved I almost hugged him.

He is okay and coherent and alive! Just some bumps and bruises. After we got him talking, I thought for sure he was going to have a broken arm and a serious concussion, but he is fine. And through all this, the audience had no idea it even happened, which to me is insanity in and of itself...

But in any case, this situations has lead me to be very grateful... I'm so blessed to have such great students and to do all the things we do in safety. I also am realizing that I am so very attached to my students. I mean, I knew I was, but I did not realize the extent... I worry about them a lot, and I love them and want them to be safe!!! Some people wonder why I worry so much, but frankly if a person in my position with my responsibilities didn't worry, bad things would happen.

I worry because I care. I worry because I have people's most precious possessions in my care for much of the day. I worry because my students are amazing people who deserve the best. I worry because I am coordinating forty billion people and things to work in tandem with each other effectively and safely... And really, can you blame me for caring?

WHY???!!!

(Originally posted on Myspace 11/1/2007)

Okay, can anyone tell me why the windshield wiper on the passenger side ALWAYS works better? I mean, why don't they just reverse the whole wiper mechanism? It doesn't matter what car I'm driving, I can ALWAYS see out the passenger side better than the driver's side! AARGGHH! You would think that car people would do something about that, but they don't.

And now that I have complained, can I just say that heated seats are the best thing that has EVER happened to the automotive industry?! I'm pretty much in love.

You're Getting What?!

(Originally posted on Myspace 1/21/2007)

So I had a funny day teaching my madrigal choir the other day... I was trying to get them to sit quietly long enough to explain why we sing the music we do, so I said, "Guys! I need to talk to you about something important for a minute, so please be quiet!"

Only some of them quieted down enough to hear one of the tenors (Tyler) say, "What? Are you getting married?"

I laughed and said, "No, I'm not getting married!" And someone else says, "What!? Your getting married?" And I say, "No! I'm not getting married!"

And a sophomore says, "If you got married, would you quit?"

And a soprano (who finally started listening) says, "YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!?"

"NO! I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED! Gosh, that's the last thing I need going around town!" You see, we live in a very small town, and rumors spread like wildfire.

And then the soprano says, "Oh... Are you dating someone?"

"No! What the heck? I just want to talk to you guys about the music!"

Who taught these kids how to listen? Anyway, I thought it was pretty funny. The only time they pay attention is when I make a total fool of myself. I've turned my hand into a puppet and told them that since it's the only one that listens, whenever I talk to it, they'll know they've driven me to insanity! It actually works... in high school! Weird... I just try to remember that I was where they are just five years ago... Even if this was never the answer to the "Where do you see yourself in five years?" question...

WTF

(Originally posted on Myspace 9/11/2006)

Okay, so, for those of you who didn't know, I am now a teacher. It's fun, I love teaching. I love students. I love having an office and two classrooms. I love picking music and telling people what to do. I HATE principals.

Okay, fine, I don't hate principals. In fact, as people, I quite like most of them. But I have a phobia of principals and their offices. It's a deep-seeded phobia, planted before I ever even went to school. In every movie, principals are scary. All my sibling hated principals. When I finally got to school, no principal really ever had a chance. Well, that may not be entirely true. If it hadn't been for one principal chasing me and my mom with a snow shovel, I would have maybe been alright. (Said principal is no longer a principal, and now I like him fine, since his face rarely get a frightening shade of puce anymore.)

Then there was middle school. I wasn't the only person afraid of Mrs. Dalton. I can say that she got much more likeable after she retired, but before that I even avoided her at church where I had the protection of parental units.

In high school, all my principals were quite nice, but I rarely saw them during school. That's always a plus.

Frankly, I never saw the inside of a principal's office until I started teaching. That's right... Miss Rawlinson, three weeks on the job, and I've already been to the principal's office twice. Why? you may ask. I guess I got a lot better at rustling feathers while I was in college is all I can think of. But I like me. I'd way rather be the me I am than some submissive little brown-noser like I was. Don't get me wrong, I still brown-nose, just not consistently. And almost never to this principal. But what am I supposed to do? The only times the principal could ever see me have been when I've been in trouble (but according to him, not "in trouble", but "in need of educating about the public education system"). I've tried to see him other times, and he never has time, but as soon as I do something I could have asked him about if he'd had time to see me before, I get in trouble and HE calls ME to the office. What the shiz? Just take the time to talk to me the first time, and save yourself some darn time later, you sports fanatic.

Okay, that was somewhat unfair, cuz he's trying, but freaking A, give me a break. Okay, that's all. A small rant on work.

CRAZY! Get your CRAZY here!!!

(Originally posted on sixmilevillage.com 7/21/04

Well, I’ve noticed traffic in our lovely little community has gone down quite a bit. I’ve become somewhat of a hermit of late. I’m well aware that I was probably not missed because I blended in with the hordes of other hermits so well, but please let me keep my illusion that I am loved on this site.

I am just here at work, wondering when I’m going to get enough gumption to actually quit. I’ve been working here at the homeless shelter for over a year now, and it’s killing me. At first it was fun and interesting. Now it’s tiring and annoying. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of people who can’t take care of themselves. I’ve become bitter. And what’s worse is that I spend so much time thinking about work, everything now relates back to it.

I got an email saying that an apple is more effective at making a person feel more awake than coffee is. All I could think about was what all the homeless people would do if the coffee jug were to be replaced by a bowl of apples in the morning. They would literally kill for their coffee… That is, if they could stay awake long enough to find an effective weapon without having had their caffeine fix. When all along, they could just eat their apples, find a nice dull butter knife, and continue on their merry way. Fools.

I frequently hang out with my friend Gwen, watching Court T.V. because that is her channel of choice, and all I can think about while viewing stories about murderers and psychos and various assorted crazy people is, “Hey, I know people who act like that. I know people who show those signs… In fact, I’m pretty sure that guy has stayed at the shelter at some point… Hmm… I guess I ought to be glad I’m not dead…”

I actually had a guy freak out on me because he forgot to buy cigarettes, and I wouldn’t let him break the rules to get some… And where, in that sentence, does one figure that everything is my fault? Somewhere between crazy and denial, I’m quite sure.

No, but in all seriousness, they say CRAZY’s not contagious, but I’m pretty sure I’ve caught some. Yep, I’ve definitely got a serious case of CRAZY, and if you don’t watch out, you might catch it, too.

Note: I stayed at this job for another 14 months after I wrote this... Glutton for punishment.

What Are You Waiting For?

(Originally posted on sixmilevillage.com 4/19/2004, and to quote Hagrid, "It was dark times, Harry, dark times." :0p)

People like to say, “I can’t wait.” It was once one of my favorite things to say. As a baby I’m pretty sure I thought, I can’t wait for my mom to feed me. I can’t wait ’til these crazy ladies stop passing me around. I can’t wait ’til I can sit up, crawl, talk, walk.

As I child I thought, I can’t wait ’til school gets out so I can go play. I can’t wait ’til mom and dad get home; what is wrong with this babysitter? I can’t wait until my next birthday. Yeah! I can’t wait until I know everything.

In my early teen years, it was, I can’t wait ’til someone notices me. I can’t wait to go to my first dance. I can’t wait for my first niece to be born.
Then it was stuff like, I can’t wait to go on my first date… perform this play… graduate from High School…

All of these things have come to pass, yet I’m still waiting. Why?

Now I think stuff like, I can’t wait ’til this semester is over… to find someone… I can’t wait until summer… until I make enough money to actually do something fun and worth while… to have kids…

But the truth of the matter is, I have to wait. There is no can or can’t, there is only endure. There are some things I can do. But mostly I can just wait. And this is bad, because, as I said before, I am sick of waiting. I’m tired, I’m bored, and I’m burnt out.

This year has been the worst year of my life. Curses! And it’s not that everything that has been happening to me is bad, it’s that I feel bad about everything that happens to me. Why is that? I used to be so resilient. Now I’m succumbent. That needs to stop.

I guess since I’m stuck waiting, I should decide to start to like it. Perhaps waiting will only make me stronger. Yeah. I’ll just keep telling myself that. Waiting is good. It builds your resistence. It makes you tolerant and patient. Waiting makes you happy!!! See, I’m happy, I used exclamation marks!!! This is actually kind of convincing. Okay, I’ll be on my happy way then!

What am I waiting for?